Category: blog

blog · poetry

Sweet Nothing

AphaeresisLeave a comment

I can’t fall in love
with you
I just couldn’t bear
to see this break, too.
The last thread of humanity
I’ve been hanging onto.
Even though I know
we’re not real, anyway.
I can see clearly
you’ll never love me the same.
You’re just having fun,
you haven’t changed.
Tossing out sweet nothings,
to keep me in the game.
But all these feelings are
misleading
dead ends.
We’re too far apart
to ever be whole again…
And I don’t understand
why this is happening.
Why you keep coming back here,
the effect you always have on me.
But I know
I should let it go…
before I reap all that I sow.
Because forever is never,
and everything
means nothing.
I realize now
that’s all you’ve ever been offering:
sweet
infinitesimal
nothing.

blog · letter · prose

descent

AphaeresisLeave a comment

X,

Time made me forget, and I preferred it that way. No trace of our insanity left behind. Now it stains the present — your presence is unwanted. But not wholly; I am never whole around you. You carve out pieces in the shape of your voice, your face, your many names. You take the bits that suit and the rest sits, staling. With you I am always somehow less. How small can I become before you — how little am I to you? Not a prize, no, an enterprise to entertain: only useful in a moment, for a moment. Am I supposed to be happy here, now? Satisfied? Will I ever be what I was before? Was I ever anything? More than lust, more than dust swept up from a fractured past? Or am I just middling, something to pass time passing, something to move forward with when all else sits still? All questions without answers — I know that I know nothing. Know I never will. Know that I can’t die here on this hill, with you, for you, waiting. You are time I will never get back, a devil I can’t seem to shake, a trap I can’t seem to escape. There’s no swimming in quicksand, no matter how slow the pull. And there’s no living with or without you, so what do I do? Move on it — move on? My mind screams in opposition as I sink deeper into you…

You know I’d love nothing more than to hate you, my dear. So make me, please. I beg of you.

Yours,

blog · letter · poetry

Intoxication

AphaeresisLeave a comment

Feelings
so many feelings
comin’ at me like a stampede
can’t outrun these feelings
for you, from you, with you
don’t know why
I can’t escape you
now I’m not so sure
I want to
fall deeper, harder into
all these feelings
swirling in your undertow
you leave me reeling
and I know you have some
feelings, too
I can see clearly
you do —
pulse quickening
desire thickening
and what else hangs
in the air between?
Not quite sure
but it’s electric
shocks me inside
its dominating presence
leaves me a little
uncertain, hesitant
yet I keep swimming farther
into our feelings
past melting into present
caught in a time warp
what was, what would be
but what is?
feelings — is it love?
I think it could be
is it worth it?
I worry
we’ve never known
stability, but
I just can’t help
myself with you
just want to help
myself to you
can’t resist
even if I’m a fool
for all these feelings crashing down
like waves of an endless sea
and now I know, surely
beyond all doubt or mystery
I’ll never really, truly
be free…
from you
or all my feelings.

blog · poetry

Games

AphaeresisLeave a comment

I’m not impressed
you’re not the best
I’ve ever had
all you really do
is make me sad
leave me regretting
question every decision
I try to make
it’s quite upsetting
and I don’t like these games
you play
I don’t know why
I let you play them
I know I’m absolutely nothing
but a player
on your rotation
another person
to slip into
when you feel bored
or down
I know you’ll forget about me
till the next time you come ’round
playing at something
No, I don’t like the way
you see me
or the way you make me feel
or the way you talk about me
as if I’m trivial
No, I don’t like you
very much
but I’d really like to
because I loved you once
my dear
although you have no memory
No, I don’t like you much
so I’m not sure why I cling
to the idea of a “we”
what a silly, stupid thing
I wish I liked you more
and I wish that you were kinder
I wish I hadn’t wasted time
on someone so self-centered
Well, I wish a lot of things
and I dream of even more
but mostly, I just don’t like you
and I wish I truly felt it
in my core.





blog · poetry · prose

Need

AphaeresisLeave a comment

I need to get
you out of my system
I need to get you
out —
out of me.
I need you
to release me
from this spell
you have on me.
I need you to go
or else I need to flee
before this all implodes
and destroys me.
I don’t know why
I always let you
get the best of me.
And I know
you’ll keep on taking
till there’s nothing.
I know you
are a poison
in my veins, honey.
A venomous desire
that feeds me…
but no —
what I need
is to go
before I go completely crazy —
what I need
is to know
why you always light the fire
inside my bones
and leave me craving.
I just can’t stand
that I can stand you
and I just can’t believe
how addicted I am
to you
when I know that you are nothing
but a siphon
to my sanity.
Cuz you won’t hear
what I need
No, you don’t care
how I bleed
And you don’t show me
anything real…
I know you never will.
Except that tiny little sliver
of what used to be…
what good is that to me?
So I can’t care
if I scare you
or if you’ll ever forgive me
I desperately need you
to stand up
to leave me…
because my need is too heavy
for me
to move me.

 

blog · letter · prose

cognizance

AphaeresisLeave a comment

X,

I’m so sorry I didn’t hear you, all that time ago. I see the mistake now — so late, far too late. Much too late to repair or rectify, no matter how perfectly crafted the words. Certainly not these meager scraps of mine, which almost but never quite capture what I had in mind. I see now, that you were willing to go where no other person might ever be — that you were so, so very far ahead of me. And me, I was… what? Caught up in nothing but that: myself, my desires, how things should be. Not caring for your pain, not truly listening to your cries or pleas. Not recognizing that even the slightest effort might have made this better than what “could be.” So much time and energy wasted on anger instead of tenderness, vengeance instead of forgiveness… longing instead of cherishing. So silly, so stupid, to believe the surface of a pond was deeper than the wide open ocean of love and compassion you offered me. And despite all my sins and shortcomings, you still offered it freely. But all I saw was pain and tragedy — I denied us any chance of healing.

I wish that I had realized then what I would now be missing… you, more than anything.

Yours,

blog

Time Will Tell

AphaeresisLeave a comment

The years have changed many things:
our hair
our minds
the architecture of our bodies,
the length
between our words
and thoughts…
and so many possibilities.
Yet one thing
I’ve always remembered
and held
so tightly, to me
was the memory
of the feeling
of you beside me.
The comfort of
a caring presence
that listened
without judging.
The tender attention
of your affection
for and to me.
The simple joy of being with you —
I was secretly adoring.
Yet was too heartbroken,
too terrified,
to trade our nights
for morning.
But I’ll never forget
the feeling…
the years did not change
your meaning
and the hours, at last
have revealed to me
that I should have
cherished such things.
Time really does tell everything…
eventually.