journal

Finished or Unfinished: Thoughts

Right now it is enough. But soon or eventually I don’t know if it will be. I don’t really know much of anything I guess. My thoughts are everywhere and it makes it hard to sleep, or even think, clearly. I thought about that guy on the bridge and I wondered what if it had been me instead. One person holding up thousands of others. I wouldn’t have waited to get caught if it were my true intention. One deep breath before a release you can’t come back from. Maybe it would be easier, but who knows what’s to come? & I was dying for something then. But you had no idea and I didn’t say anything. Wouldn’t mention something so dangerously futile. I had no choice but to sigh and keep on going. Waiting for the day that it may come. Or won’t. I can’t ever know for sure. Only hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Perhaps just to end up in the middle. Is that ironic? It feels that way. I had to pause and wonder for a moment. Think about what I thought about before. That it must be true because once it was and I have to believe it or I’ll go mad. Then I tried to remember what it was like and I couldn’t. It made me disappointed and it made me want it more. Then I tried to remember the other thing I wanted to say – that I need a break from the world and all its worries. But I sigh and continue on. I deal, because it’s all that I can do. Deal and wait and hope and believe and prepare and stress and wonder and worry and think. Always thinking. Can’t seem to catch a break from that ever. I realize now and I realize I already knew how terribly vague this all is. Maybe being vague is my specialty. I thought maybe I should start writing that paper because I’m still up and not tired anyway, but now I don’t know. & we are back to “I don’t know” again. What did I ever know anyway? Perhaps these words are tired like all the others I have written. Always the same old thing. But I have to say this is different. I must be saying something new. Otherwise there is no point, and I could be waiting without the waste of time or energy. Damn thoughts and their circles. Sayonara. Ja matta.

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