Tag: life

blog · poetry

Sweet Nothing

AphaeresisLeave a comment

I can’t fall in love
with you
I just couldn’t bear
to see this break, too.
The last thread of humanity
I’ve been hanging onto.
Even though I know
we’re not real, anyway.
I can see clearly
you’ll never love me the same.
You’re just having fun,
you haven’t changed.
Tossing out sweet nothings,
to keep me in the game.
But all these feelings are
misleading
dead ends.
We’re too far apart
to ever be whole again…
And I don’t understand
why this is happening.
Why you keep coming back here,
the effect you always have on me.
But I know
I should let it go…
before I reap all that I sow.
Because forever is never,
and everything
means nothing.
I realize now
that’s all you’ve ever been offering:
sweet
infinitesimal
nothing.

blog · letter · prose

descent

AphaeresisLeave a comment

X,

Time made me forget, and I preferred it that way. No trace of our insanity left behind. Now it stains the present — your presence is unwanted. But not wholly; I am never whole around you. You carve out pieces in the shape of your voice, your face, your many names. You take the bits that suit and the rest sits, staling. With you I am always somehow less. How small can I become before you — how little am I to you? Not a prize, no, an enterprise to entertain: only useful in a moment, for a moment. Am I supposed to be happy here, now? Satisfied? Will I ever be what I was before? Was I ever anything? More than lust, more than dust swept up from a fractured past? Or am I just middling, something to pass time passing, something to move forward with when all else sits still? All questions without answers — I know that I know nothing. Know I never will. Know that I can’t die here on this hill, with you, for you, waiting. You are time I will never get back, a devil I can’t seem to shake, a trap I can’t seem to escape. There’s no swimming in quicksand, no matter how slow the pull. And there’s no living with or without you, so what do I do? Move on it — move on? My mind screams in opposition as I sink deeper into you…

You know I’d love nothing more than to hate you, my dear. So make me, please. I beg of you.

Yours,

blog · letter · prose

cognizance

AphaeresisLeave a comment

X,

I’m so sorry I didn’t hear you, all that time ago. I see the mistake now — so late, far too late. Much too late to repair or rectify, no matter how perfectly crafted the words. Certainly not these meager scraps of mine, which almost but never quite capture what I had in mind. I see now, that you were willing to go where no other person might ever be — that you were so, so very far ahead of me. And me, I was… what? Caught up in nothing but that: myself, my desires, how things should be. Not caring for your pain, not truly listening to your cries or pleas. Not recognizing that even the slightest effort might have made this better than what “could be.” So much time and energy wasted on anger instead of tenderness, vengeance instead of forgiveness… longing instead of cherishing. So silly, so stupid, to believe the surface of a pond was deeper than the wide open ocean of love and compassion you offered me. And despite all my sins and shortcomings, you still offered it freely. But all I saw was pain and tragedy — I denied us any chance of healing.

I wish that I had realized then what I would now be missing… you, more than anything.

Yours,

blog

once upon a time

AphaeresisLeave a comment

X,

I forget you loved me, once. In the best way you knew how, despite the magnitude of my sins. I forget you wanted me once, with all the passion in your wounded soul, both outwardly and in. I forget you needed me once, to tame the tides of your rising grief and light the spark of hope within… to feel that love can still exist. I felt and feel and flounder in my feeling — forget you had feelings, too. Once you wanted me, once you needed me, once you loved me…

Once upon a beautiful time gone by, you did.

Yours,

blog · letter · prose

thinking

AphaeresisLeave a comment

X,

I want to know why you seem to think this is okay — think to ask you, think again. I pretend I’m not here, though there’s really no need to pretend anything when you’re as invisible as I am. You only see me when you have a need to fill. Well, I have a great need now. Can you fill it for me? I think to ask you — think again. I already know… better to remain silent. And perhaps, if I’m quiet enough, it will be like I never was… then you won’t have to miss me once I’m gone.

Yours,

blog · letter · prose

stupidity

AphaeresisLeave a comment

X,

It’s hardest when I wake early — wake to silence. Agonizing, antagonizing: it spreads like a virus in the dark space, clawing at my sanity. I wonder if you will be happier now, without me. I wonder if you already are. And I know that we’re not good for each other, that perhaps we never will be. But I still want us to be. Against all understanding, I still want to believe…

so stupidly.

Yours,


blog · poetry

Outsider

AphaeresisLeave a comment

I’m on the outside
looking in
hovering on ice
so thin
can’t seem to find
the solid ground
take a quick glance around —
see no one
to help me.
And I wonder
am I insane?
Am I the cause
of my own pain
and suffering?
Am I all that
they have said
and say:
too much,
too little,
too big…
well, is being different
a sin?
There’s too many little lies
mixed in
with the truth
and I’m stretched
far too thin
to sort it all out
or wonder if
I’m good enough
or even good…
all I know is
I am not alright.
I am not okay.
And I’m tired of pretending
that I am.