letter · new years resolution · poetry

Psychic Instability

Is this the price of my pride?
I need a diversion
a distraction
a departure
from this delusion
these fevered dreams
I got so lost in –
your harrowing illusion.
A spell to break
the hex
you have on me.
The visions of regret
that overcome me.
My recurring insecurity
that without you
I am nothing.
Your crippling anguish
your stoic indifference
my cries of frustration
my degrading persistence
my physical
resistance
to the end.
But in the shameful
spirit of  failure
you win –
I just want out of this nightmare.

letter · new years resolution · poetry

Hypomnesia

I tied your memories around me
little ribbons
floating out like wires
electric elements
static
with potential
writhing all around me
sparking visions
of what we were
but all this detail is delusion
bolting through my brain
like déjà vu
knowing that I knew
something
but not recalling
what I knew
as they unwind
and fall from me
leaving me bare
and burning for you.

 

letter · new years resolution

lacuna

My Dear,

I am all splintered pieces, nothing more than crumbling parts. Another body among many, my tired limbs aching at you to make my failed dreams come true, my fingers bringing all our dead things back to life — it’s sick, it’s sad. And we both know what I’ll say by now, the why of it. What I always say, time after time, like a drone: I’m falling, still falling for you. After such time, over time, through time, from time out of mind. Falling down that twisted pit – always falling – can’t escape it. A feeble pretext to keep you with me. This is the problem with introspection: you come to realize what’s been lost, all that’s missing.

 

Yours,

letter · new years resolution

containment

X,

I shuttered you away in the darkest, dustiest corners of my soul and refused to look back, until this moment. What good would it do to dwell on what would never be again? But some nights, thoughts of you seep through the sills and boards, the crack beneath my carefully locked door, and I miss you. I remember it all, and I miss you. Sometimes I hate you, sometimes I love you, and sometimes I wish to erase all traces of you, but still and always, there is one thought that keeps repeating, that keeps bleeding through the noise and the chaos and the fear, and it is… well, you know.

 

Yours,

 

letter · new years resolution

realization

My Dear,

Why do I keep coming back here? You are not here. Or you are here, but you do not see me. And how could you? I’m always out of sight and out of mind; you’re always looking forward and I have always been behind, locked inside your memory. Bound from forward motion by my feelings. You see, the magnitude of my love for you was proportional to my misery. And like my misery, it stayed with me. Became a part of me.

 

Yours,