journal · poetry

Knowledge

I try to keep your voice with me
I try to hold it
in my mind
but it slips away
and I remember that time
I was talking to myself
I don’t know why
it’s unrelated —
or is it?
Because you are here
and here you stay
as we face every day
and night
together
fighting with each step
for our forever
so dissimilar from when,
no matter what I did
or would say,
although he was always there
it always felt as if
he was facing away
back turned to the truths
that came too late
arguing with myself
and pretending
that he was listening
singing into silence
thoughts I knew
would never reach him —
a sound I hope
you’ve never heard
and never have to.
And I am not convinced
that you will ever
understand
exactly how much I need you
and I want you
without knowing what came before —
all those moments
I was so certain
I couldn’t possibly want more
or move on to another —
because the moment
that I met you
I let that past go
and surrendered
to the future
something I thought
no, I knew
I’d never do
but darling,
I would do anything for you
and now I know
you know it’s true.
And I don’t even need to say the words:
I love you
I love you
I love only you
like no one else ever before.

letter · poetry

You, You, You

If I had a reason
to live
to breathe
it would be to love you.
To give you this heart
that would be lifeless
without you.
I was nothing more
than a shell of skin
and bone
until I met you,
and then I knew,
if there was a purpose
for every ending,
if there was a reason
for each broken heart
and tear,
if there was a hope
for something better,
or a wish
for something new,
I found it all in you.
And each mistake
and every heartache
has led me here
to you,
and I would live them all
a thousand times,
again,
if every time
I was so lucky
as to know you,
as to love you,
in the end.

letter · new years resolution · poetry

Psychic Instability

Is this the price of my pride?
I need a diversion
a distraction
a departure
from this delusion
these fevered dreams
I got so lost in –
your harrowing illusion.
A spell to break
the hex
you have on me.
The visions of regret
that overcome me.
My recurring insecurity
that without you
I am nothing.
Your crippling anguish
your stoic indifference
my cries of frustration
my degrading persistence
my physical
resistance
to the end.
But in the shameful
spirit of  failure
you win –
I just want out of this nightmare.

letter · new years resolution · poetry

Hypomnesia

I tied your memories around me
little ribbons
floating out like wires
electric elements
static
with potential
writhing all around me
sparking visions
of what we were
but all this detail is delusion
bolting through my brain
like déjà vu
knowing that I knew
something
but not recalling
what I knew
as they unwind
and fall from me
leaving me bare
and burning for you.