letter · new years resolution

darkness

Dear Heart,

Dark places, my love; I’d been living in dark spaces where the wounds never ceased to bleed, seeking out the promises the light had failed to deliver. Aching to be delivered from the misery. Desperate for something – anything – to save me. And, caught up the recklessness of finding relief, I ignored the reality before me: this would cause nothing but harm. Yet I persisted. I sought out what I knew with every part and parcel of my being was wrong — I longed for, no, I lusted after my own destruction; I fell right into him in depraved abandon and I enjoyed every moment with guilty pleasure. Oh, it was sick, darling; it was entirely perverse and twisted. And all of this… this is who I am. Can you accept that?

 

Yours,

letter · new years resolution

felicity

Dear Heart,

I am mesmerized by your brilliance: your precious flaws, your beautiful feelings. Your gentle heart — your support, your healing. And although the words sound silly, I cannot help but say how extraordinary you are to me. How knowing you is transforming me into someone new. How your presence could light up a thousand rooms. You say you are all out for me, well honey, I am all out for you, too. And I could not have been more lucky than I was on the day that I met you.

 

Yours,

letter · new years resolution

riddles

X,

I’m no theorist, no therapist. Couldn’t tell you what the trouble was, or where it started. How it happened. These are all good questions, but they’re like a broken record, stuck on repeat, in my head. All these building blocks that don’t match up, and you keep asking why, you wonder how it’s so. Well, all I know for certain is how much I don’t know. And that these riddles of the mind can wear you down to your very bones —

They’re almost always better left alone.

 

Yours,

letter · new years resolution · poetry

Psychic Instability

Is this the price of my pride?
I need a diversion
a distraction
a departure
from this delusion
these fevered dreams
I got so lost in –
your harrowing illusion.
A spell to break
the hex
you have on me.
The visions of regret
that overcome me.
My recurring insecurity
that without you
I am nothing.
Your crippling anguish
your stoic indifference
my cries of frustration
my degrading persistence
my physical
resistance
to the end.
But in the shameful
spirit of  failure
you win –
I just want out of this nightmare.