journal · letter · new years resolution

the waiting game

Erstwhile companion,

We were many things. Friends, confidants, passing passions. Stranded, defeated, lonesome. You, most especially. Because the actions that you thought would produce happiness had yielded only failure, and you were so shaken by the loss that you dared to try no more. So you simply waited. At first alone, and then with me, because I was also waiting. Waiting for our lives to spring into some new and happy territory, waiting for something better than what was. Better than what could have been. Better than each other. And so, bound by mutual circumstance, we passed the time together. Yearning for something more, but not brave enough to seek it. And, after a time, your eyes locked on the sight of a new possibility. Of something standing right in front of you, ready for the taking. It was so palpable, so tangible, so close! Yet it remained just out of reach. I simply could not bring myself to step forward. So we lingered in a pattern of friendship, desire, and hesitance. And over time it became comfortable, safe, habitual. I even began to think it would always be. Until suddenly, what you had been waiting for had arrived for you at last. But it did not arrive for me.

It was at that moment I realized that I should have stepped forward. That I had remained out of reach for too long. Just in time to watch you walk away. With barely a word, you disappeared. I was completely crushed. I felt so minuscule and worthless. But this was not about what I was worth to you, or what we could have had. It was not about about me at all. You had finally found what you wanted, and it was time let go. Of the failure and discontentment, the longing and disappointment. Of all that time spent in a world saturated with maybes, laters and almosts. You could not continue to carry it and hope to find any lasting contentment. So you set it all aside and walked away. And with the past laid out before me, I can now say with certainty that this was exactly how it should have happened. That, although it hurt me, you made the right decision. Because you are the happiest you’ve ever been. And I am right where I need to be. Wishing only that your life will continue to bring you nothing but joy. Because you waited for so long. You deserve it.




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