journal · letter · new years resolution

perhaps

My Dear,

Four years later and I’m still looking back. Sometimes, looking for a way back. Hoping for a revival of some kind. Yet looking back on the circumstances surrounding us, I can see that we were doomed, by my own machinations. We were only a we because of me. And we only stopped being an us because of me. Perhaps it takes two to tango, but there would never have been any dancing, or any broken ankles, if not for me. And yet I feel we were still meant to be. There was a purpose to the madness. A new feeling to be felt, a new lesson to be learned, a new person to understand and grow with. A soulmate. If only I could remember that first conversation. To know what inexplicable urge drew us together. Because we both walked away feeling like we had always known and understood one another, like we always would. And that had nothing to do with me. It was the one part of us that I couldn’t touch. The spark that spawned a deep connection which I would later catastrophically alter. Which we were incapable of repairing. Yet somehow, the vestiges still remain. We are distant, but still present. We know each other, but are no longer familiar.

Were we soulmates? You enhanced my awareness and expanded my consciousness. Your presence in my life taught me more than I could ever explain. That some endings are much needed beginnings. That sometimes endings aren’t forever. That we cannot manufacture what is missing from our lives. I look back at us, to you, and I see a soulmate. One person among many which I connected with on a higher level, who challenged me both mentally and emotionally, from whom I learned lessons that I could never have learned from another. Someone who I loved, not just as a lover, or a partner, or a friend. Not because you are something, not because you did something, but simply because. And there will always be that part of me who loves you. Perhaps I keep looking back because I wonder what was true for you. What you remember and have forgotten, what you lost and what you gained, how you felt and what you feel now. Or perhaps I am just drawn to you. Perhaps I always will be. Perhaps I’m still learning the lesson of letting go. Or perhaps I no longer want us to be distant or unfamiliar, but to know and understand the truest you once more, like I did so long ago. What was lost can never be regained, I know. But it’d nice be to build something new.

 

Yours,

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