journal · letter


My Dear,

I’ve turned my whole life upside-down for you, giving you everything that I have to offer, destitute to see your face and touch your skin… and you don’t even know what you feel. I can respect that. I can understand it. But my heart cannot accept it. I have laid my soul open for you, and it’s been left void. I cannot endure the impact of this. I’m too wounded. You’re too young and selfish. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I love you endlessly, and I am so, so sorry. Because I feel in my bones that this will not end well. That it’s been broken beyond repair. The world is crashing over me and I let it fall apart. I let myself shatter and I watch the pieces float away. I already know what you do not know. What you do not say. I will not be enough. I will be an American disappointment. I will be alone, and you will be miserable. Yet still I say hello, although my heart screams goodbyes. Goodbye to what we were, goodbye to what we aren’t, goodbye to all that we could have been. You’ve made a home within my skin and you are wreaking havoc. What’s worse is that I let you. Because of all that you are. Because I can’t bear your pain for you, so I must bear something. Because I love you. ‘Till dying breath and beyond. You were my finest hour, my loveliest moment, and my greatest disappointment. And a part of me wishes that I had never met you. But the best of me wishes that your love is still alive. Hope – it’s all I live for, my dear.



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