journal

The Quiet Deep

I want a new life. No more of these decisions. Simplicity. To leave this one behind and start over. Become someone new. But not lose the experience, the knowledge. I’ve made too many mistakes and my mind is going in circles. I don’t feel like it will ever stop. That I will never stop being unsure. Second guessing everything until my heart is sick with it. Until my mind is too tired to continue. Circles, circles. I cannot find the right in this. I look, and I look, but I always come up with the exact same answers.

I want a new life. To stand in the snow and feel it fall against my skin. To raise my arms up, palms flat, touch the sky, then out. To spin – round and round – as the snow gently falls on my cheeks and lashes, and I can forget this me. this failure of what could have been but isn’t. & I would spin, faster & faster, until I fell from the force of it. Lay in the cold, feel myself sink down to the earth. Feel myself sink deeper into me. Until I discover what really is. How things should be. To dive into cool water and hold my breath until I figure this out. What is you… what is me… what is love… where I should be…

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